1. a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different.

My heart lives in a constant state of dichotomy, a decades long battle of two strong wills, two bucks in battle, sparring with their antlers interlocked, pushing and pulling, both impressively strong, but neither strong enough to overpower the other. One fights for freedom, spontaneity, wings, the random and the unknown. The other fights for stability, predictability, security and a nice, warm, safe bed.

I’m in my early thirties now and the pressure is on. I don’t have time for all of this indecision. The perceived window of time is closing in on me, quickly, and I’m still not sure which buck to cheer on, and which to put to rest. To stay, or to go? The absolute of either brings me no peace. My heart is equal parts longing for marriage, babies, a stable income, and a dog, and in contrast it wants the next mysterious morsel of food, new smells and sights, airplanes, bus rides, culture and the same dirty socks I’ve worn for a week straight.

I suspect I’m not the only one rendered idle in indecision. And I realize that there is no perfect choice, every choice has it’s sacrifices. But the ‘live for today, work hard for tomorrow’ model just doesn’t seem to work for me. Where is the balance in that? Even when faced with something as simple as a slice of decadent chocolate ganache cake…Eat it! You never know, you might die tomorrow! Or, Don’t eat it! you’ll wreak havoc on your health and don’t you want to look good this summer?